On Friends

I value people for their character, not just what they say or what "they think they are". That’s my personal code (see: Code section). It’s not about perfection or confidence: it’s about genuineness. What I struggle with isn’t insecurity in others, it’s arrogance without self-awareness.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about self-esteem, boundaries, and time (=DEATH). I’ve been thinking about non-negotiables: not as rigid rules, but as quiet truths about what makes me feel safe, heard, and loved in relationships. It’s not about expecting people to be perfect or to share all my values. I know everyone shows up differently. But I’ve learned that how someone handles a slightly awkward, honest conversation says a lot. True care shows up when someone listens to understand, not just to respond or defend themselves. When they reach out with curiosity about YOU - not just what you can offer to them (information, a warm body, motivation, etc..).

People are complicated. Nothing is black and white. We all mess up> myself included. That’s exactly why I try to live by a code. Not because I think I have it all figured out, but because I don’t.

Recent Happenings

Getting a Speeding Ticket

So I got a speeding ticket. Yeah. A real one. On a blindingly sunny day—one of those days where the sky looks fake, too blue to be trusted—I decided to drive up to Erie, just to see the beach. No real plan.

Anyway, I’m cruising down this back road, windows down, music low, and suddenly.. boom. Lights in the rearview. Like they were always there, waiting for me. Like I’d triggered some cosmic tripwire without realizing it.

The speed limit was 25. I didn’t realize? maybe? Either way, I was already caught. No going back.

The cop walks up to my window, all official and calm, and starts doing the usual, license, registration, the whole ritual. But here’s the part that broke my brain: while he’s writing me a ticket, he starts petting my dog. Like, mid-citation. One hand writing me up, the other scratching behind my dog’s ears like they’re old friends catching up after years apart.

I swear to God, I just sat there watching it happen, like I was outside my own body. My dog’s loving it, tail wagging like this is the best moment of his entire life. Meanwhile, I’m trying to figure out if I’ve crossed into some weird dream dimension where authority and affection blur together and make no damn sense.

Now I have to face a judge. In an actual courtroom.

On living with a code

Honestly...

So lately I have been thinking about self esteem and death (hence the blog) but I have been thinking about the things I dont want to be see below for picture of notes I have created in my room, but I see people being arrogant - for no apparent reason. I have dealt and continue dealing with my whole trauma and abandonment and etc One thing I have realized is that I never really get to fucking do whatever I want. I worry too much about the "big other" and end up stressing which leads me to cognitive bypass whatever I am feeling and my priorities. So again my theme here is that life and time is precious. just to clarify, IM NOT THE HOT SHIT. and im not going to be for a lot of people - and that's okay. Genuinely please go out there and spend your time as I wish - and WITH the people you wish. Age is not neccesarily important, but being 27 and still fucking "begging friendship" seems like a waste to me. Im flawed, and i undderstand people are also going to be, please dont take it the wrong way. I have wronged people (and for that - all i can do is apologize and accept the consequences and move on to be a better person) which is what I am trying to do. this is not a threat or requirements, but the point is that I realized: if you are not willing to work with me, because your pride is more important to you than me, then we are not friends. I wish you well. And I am here for you if you need company, money, anything. But I athink ive come to realize how important OPENNESS and honesty is for me, sadly there is not quite a lot of people willing.